If I could go back in time...

I have to be held accountable even if no one reads it I have to be able to face myself and hold myself accountable. I have “fallen” off the bandwagon I have started to eat sugar, I feel terrible after I do it and yet I just cannot stop myself. What in the world is wrong with me!#*&^! I know that it is wrong but how do I stop. I feel like I have put myself in prison!!!!! There are all these things that surround me that sound so good and everything is caving in on me!!!! I have expectation of myself. Monkey had this idea that I start a stamp chart for myself every day I do not eat sugar I get a sticker if I eat sugar I lose a sticker. I think I might do this…. After thirty days I get a new outfit maybe….. in a smaller size maybe… What do you think?
I have come to realize this about myself I need to compete with me! I need to learn to support myself in my own desires. It is like I am walking towards something in my dreams and instead of reaching it I allow it to fade away and go back to being an “unattainable dream” I used to be this brat nose girl who didn’t understand what the word unattainable meant , if I wanted it I set out and did what I needed too, to achieve what I wanted. If I were able to talk to my past self I would kick my own but for letting myself get in the way. When I was younger there was no fear. I just did what I needed to do get it done. If I failed I didn’t get hurt about and distracted I tried something else.
Now I just need to follow my younger versions advice. Just get it done do not complain, and find a way. There is no longer anytime for self-pity your dream is reachable tomorrow. Stand up and be the woman you want your daughter to emulate; and do it today!

This is your 4am wake up call!

This is the second time this has happen to me, being awake that is before I want to be. Egh! Although I am must admit 4am is better than last nights 2 am. I think this has to do with some anxiety I am feeling, I don't know why I am feeling this way; it kinda crept up on me like a horror film. My SIL told me she was pregnant last week. How does one little sentence hold so much weight on me? I also wonder how I can feel so utterly happy for her and start to feel so bad for well me? Self pity for one! Maybe this strings from the fact I have been trying for over 5 years to have baby#2 ans she is on baby #3, or maybe it is the fact that she is the second to announce she is going to have a baby and I know it is only a matter of time before at least two others announce their baby plans. Either way I need to get out of this funk! This effect my health, my family and everything else!

I started to take Maca Root again last night, I put it in my smoothie and I think because of yogurt I used it actually tasted like an enhancement! I didn't taste it all and my smoothie was extra good! I have been also thinking about going on Soy as a natural clomid replacement. More research has to be done on my part.

On the weight issue since my last trip to the hospital with asthma I was asked not exercise in the gym until I get it under control. This is killing all the effort I made this year. I have to start working out again. Especially if I want my goal to be met. I keep telling myself only 5% weight loss will make a huge difference.

Will things to do that won't go away until I attend to them I hope all is well!